Salem: The Chosen One
by Thorizard
Summary: There exists a man, the Chosen One. His destiny was to end the tyranny of the Meta Knights, bringing the world to peace. His name is Salem, and this is his story.


Salem was a young man, and his greatest love was the Super Smash Bros. franchise. When the third installation in the tale came to be, he rushed to the stores and bought it with the last of his heroine money. He played Brawl the entire night, ignoring his mother when she told him to wash his microprocessor inside and out with cold water and lilac-scented soap.

He defeated the game after ten hours of constant play, staring red-eyed at the completed list of characters. He marveled at the screen, deciding to play with every character for four days each. He did not sleep for over three months.

He quickly found that he was in love with one of the new characters to the series: Zero Suit Samus. Though he knew that her armored form was more well-known and easier to master, he hoarded great desire in his heart for the skin-tight blue jumpsuit she sported and what lied beneath. He played with her for longer than any character, eventually selecting her as his one true main and soulmate.

As Salem's love for Zero Suit grew fiery in its passion and sincerity, his deep-seated hatred for Meta Knight began to fester like pubic chicken pox. The darkness and narcissism of the winged assailant drove Salem mad. He pitted his beloved Zero Suit Samus against this villain to no end, and he began to understand the match up very well. However, the evil of Meta Knight prevailed against him time after time.

His friends had all chosen Meta Knight as their mains, and they began to sing songs to Salem after defeating him. They told him humiliating things such as, "Zero Suit is mad." They told him that "Meta Knight da bess." They tried to turn him to the dark side, saying "Meta Knight is everything. You can win a set now, even if you never won it." He refused though, despite their tauntings of, "Aerial is down, press it while [we're] jumping up. Then [we] press the B button like [we] just don't give a [censored]."

Salem was determined to stay true to Zero Suit. He decided that he would end the tyranny of the Meta Knights, bringing them to their knees to beg for mercy. Unfortunately, he really sucked at Brawl.

He had just finished crying himself to sleep when Zero Suit Samus made up her mind to help him. Salem had left the Wii on for the night, leaving the game on pause with Zero Suit covering the pause screen. She climbed out of the TV screen and became fully human.

Zero Suit walked into Salem's room and found him sleeping soundly in the darkness. The room was covered in posters of her and Meta Knights with red Xs across his eyes. Deciding to let him rest until morning, she walked into his bathroom and began to comb her hair gently and softly. She gazed at her own face in the mirror, noticing the perfect complexion, deep blue eyes and flowing blond hair. She decided she didn't like the way she looked and added just a few freckles to her cheeks so she could look more relatable to Salem.

She re-entered his room and stood at the foot of his bed. Her jumpsuit was too tight and bothersome in this human world, driven by physical senses. She slowly unzipped the suit and dropped it to the floor, hiding her bare breasts initially out of embarrassment. Remembering that her new friend was still asleep, she uncovered her breasts and walked silently across the floor to his closet.

She opened the closet slowly and quietly. She looked into it and placed her hand on her hip as she leaned back with her other hand on the door of the closet. She peered inside, looking for decent clothing options. Unfortunately, there were no feminine options for her to choose, se she selected a pair of his boxers, a pair of white designer jeans, a t-shirt, and a heavy hooded sweater.

She turned around to make sure that Salem was still asleep. Confirming that he was, she exited the room and walked down the dark hall into the kitchen. She opened fridge door and found the fridge mostly empty and slightly reeking. She took a box of leftover Taco Bell out and brought it to the table, munching on a half-eaten taco, two burritos, an order of nachos, and fifteen packets of hot sauce –plastic and all. She tossed the box in the trash and returned to the fridge to take three slices of pizza away.

Returning to Salem's room, she sat down against the wall on the side of his bed. She continued to eat the cold pizza as she pondered the fate of the young man. She knew that she needed him to assume his full potential if they were to ever defeat the great Meta Knight. She nodded off against the wall with her knees supporting her breasts, otherwise only held by the shirt and sweater.

She awoke as the sun broke through the crack in the curtains. Her hair flipped unintentionally with a river of sparkles flowing off her flowing blond locks while she stood. She stretched forward with her arms wide, falling spread-eagle into a deep forward fold. She stretched out further by pushing her rear into the air to sink her forehead to her ankles. She released and came up for air as her breasts began to suffocate her.

She twisted to release the strain in her back from sleeping in such an uncomfortable position, letting out a light moan with the crack in her lower spine. The sheets rustled behind her, and she turned quickly to see if she had woke him. He had covered his face with the covers, clearly still asleep.

Zero Suit kneeled at the side of his bed, letting her face be level with where his would be. She peeled the covers off his head to reveal his sleeping face. She gently poked his eyelid with her index finger. When he did not stir, she poked harder until he slapped her away and stared at her wide-eyed.

"Who the hell are you?" he shouted.

"I'm Samus," she said. "Well, Zero Suit technically, but I'm still Samus."

"How–" he stared at her. His mouth was still open.

She shook her head and placed her finger over his lips. "It's okay, Salem. You have become the Chosen One. I am here to train you."

"Train me," he said swallowing to clear his cracking voice. "Train me in what?"

"I will teach you how to smash like a legend," she said to him seductively.

He swallowed again, but the saliva stuck in his throat so began to cough violently. She patted her palm on his back, but it felt like a baseball bat to him. She stopped as she saw the pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm not used to this human body. I'm used to being virtual."

"How did you get to this world?" he said.

"Your determination was so strong, Salem," she said, "that it created a portal for me to enter through your television screen."

"Wow," he said. "That's insane."

He sat in silence for a moment, looking down. She allowed him to absorb the moment as she patiently awaited his response.

He finally looked up at her and asked, "Can we have sex?"

She laughed and patted him on the shoulder. "No," she said. "No, no, no. I'm here to teach you Brawl and nothing else."

"Oh okay," he said.

"Shall we begin your training now?" she offered. "You may retrieve your nourishment, but you must hurry back for I have much to show you."

He swallowed again. "How much do you have to show me?"

"I must show you everything," she said. "You must know everything about me if you are to become the greatest."

"E–" he stuttered. "Everything?"

"Yes," she breathed gently.

His lips were slightly parted. He stared back into the eternity of her eyes as she gazed into the darkness of his.

"Go, Salem," she said. "I'll be waiting for you."

He nodded excitedly and repeatedly. He covered his crotch as he stood up and perambulated quickly out of the room, already fully clothed.

She awaited his return in the living room where she lied spread out on the Lazy Boy chair in front of the Brawl screen where the pause screen remained on the position where she had once been. He walked into the room with his hands full of pizza bagels, and she sat up to see the large bump in between his legs, but she thought nothing of it.

She nodded toward the chair and he sat down where he ate ravenously. She waited, watching him as the red sauce spread across his cheeks and the grease shined on his lips and fingers. He finished quickly and lied back on the chair, exhausted. She stood up and lifted him by the collar out of the chair, setting him back down on the carpet. She failed to notice his shock and uncomfortability until she turned to see him again. She stared at him until his face returned to normal.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

He nodded unsurely with his hand covering his crotch.

She shook her head and flipped her hair to look at him again. "Are you sure?" she said before raising her voice drastically to say, "You don't sound sure! I need to hear sure!"

"Sure!" Salem shouted. "Uh, I mean, yes ma'am! I'm ready, ma'am!"

She looked at him intensely for a moment, then smiled. "Good," she said.

"Where do we start?" he said confidently.

"Come with me," she said as she grabbed his hand and led him to the TV. She stepped inside, pulling him by the hand inside as the void swept around them for a moment. They fell for a while as he closed his eyes. Zero Suit placed her hand gently on his cheek to calm him. He opened his eyes to see nothing but her shining face. They stared at each other for a long while.

Smashville materialized around them. Salem looked around to see a large stage, a floating platform with a sign underneath that said Yeah, you can go through this if you want to, four walls of bombs that all say Respawning hurts like childbirth, and dozens of hole-eyed animals. Zero Suit stood across from him.

"Those things are freaking creepy," he said.

"Yes," she said. "This is a great practice stage, but nobody likes playing here except Meta Knight because he likes everywhere and Olimar because he is creepier than anyone else."

He nodded as he looked around. He finally focused and turned to Zero Suit. "What will you teach me?"

"Discipline, first," she said. "You will understand that I am your master, boy. You will now call me Sensei or Master."

"Okay, sure," he said.

She pulled out her whip and blasted him across the stage where he spiraled away into the bombs, watching in slow motion as his guts exploded around him, raining blood everywhere to be quickly absorbed by purple and white fire that consumed him.

He fell back on the stage from the respawn platform that said Don't Lose Stocks, Noob. He collapsed onto the stage in agony. "What the hell was that for?" he coughed out amid the tears.

She pulled out her blaster and stunned him on the ground twice before releasing him into the air where she kicked him into another agonizing explosion. He respawned back on the stage with tears in his eyes.

"You better learn respect soon, Salem," she said. "You can't die in this world. Just pain and respawn. This is infinite stocks, infinite time, and you are at 999% while I am constantly resetting to zero."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he pleaded. "Please just don't hurt me!"

"I didn't hear, 'Master,'" she teased and slashed her whip across his face to send him flying once more into another deadly explosion. He shortly respawned on the platform and fell through it.

"Yes, Master," he said, bowing. "I am ready for you wisdom."

"That's more like it," she said with a smirk. "Now, the first thing I need to teach you is the proper way to recover with my whips and flips, then I'll show you platform canceling, and then you need to know how to chain the down smash and kicks for ideal combos and KOs."

"Uh," he said. "What?" He shortly saw his intestines covered in purple fire once more.

They trained nearly incessantly. She allowed him to return to his world for food, sleep, and bathroom breaks, but that was all. She remained in the house with him whenever he was resting, and this was when she found out how wonderful of a person he was despite his naivety. He was often too exhausted from the training to notice, but she was beginning to enjoy his cooking.

When the training had ended, Salem was disciplined and serious. He returned to the Wifi battling world and dominated AIB with Zero Suit Samus at his full command with the controller. He soon became proficient enough to challenge the greatest of Meta Knights, and he brought them down.

"I believe in you, Salem," she said to him as he left his house for the 2012 APEX tournament. "Defeat the Meta Knight; end his tyranny. I will be with you, and you will become the greatest."

After defeating Otori, Salem challenged Mew2King for the APEX championship. Before the battle, he sat in silence.

I believe in you, Zero Suit's voice echoed in his mind. I believe in you, Salem.

He nodded to himself and stormed out into the arena, staring the tyrnat, Mew2King directly in the eye. The set proceeded through incredible hype and incessant skill. Salem finally won the set and claimed the title with glory abound.

When he returned home, Zero Suit Samus was waiting for him, wearing her usual hoodie and white jeans that she had taken from Salem. She smiled and embraced him warmly. Tears flowed down his cheeks and into her hair. He buried his face in her neck and thanked her for everything she had done.

"It's okay, Salem," she said.

"I'll miss you," he cried.

She smiled and shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere," she said.

"What?" Salem shouted, wiping the tears off his face.

"I'm going to be with you forever," she said. "Not just in spirit or in Brawl, but I intend on always being with you in your world."

"Thank you," he whispered with a huge smile on his face. "Thank you!" he shouted again. "Thank you, thank you!"

"I love you, Salem," she said gently.

"I love you too, Samus," he said. They kissed passionately as his lips covered hers, professing his love better than his words ever could.

She pulled away, panting. She pressed her forehead gently against his and looked into his eyes. "Take me to your room," she said. "This time, I want you to be my master."


End file.
